Crush

"What the fuck do you think your doing?!"
"It's only a.... joke, I wasn't going to do anything, honest."
"Dude, you have gone too far!"
"She's fine and I didn't do anything to her! Why are you being so serious?"
"You have scared the living shit out of her!"
"Look I'm sorry, lets just forget about this and go home okay?"
"Go to hell!"

2 HOURS EARLIER...

As Ryan and James were getting ready to leave the house for Cobie's fancy dress party, The two housemates walk out of their respective rooms to find out what costume they had chosen to wear. James chose to dress as a 70's disco dancer similar to John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, whilst Ryan opted for the Joker from Batman. Ryan looks at James for a second with a puzzled stare, his head tilts to either side and finally he bursts out in laughter.
"Dude, you look like my dad when he was having a mid-life crisis!"
James shakes his head "All I can say is you are one creepy clown and you are never gonna get laid tonight!"
"Well the good thing is, neither are you."
Ryan walks towards the door and slowly opens it and lets James through. As James passes him he asks, "So Jess is still going to this party, you excited?"
James turns to look at Ryan and smirks, "That's none of your business."
Ryan gives a grin that is made creepier due to the make up and says, "Why? Are you scared of a me stealing the love of your life?"
James blushes, "Your a dick, you know that right!"
The two friends head out of their house and begin walking down the street towards the party.

1 HOUR EARLIER...

Ryan is separated from James, he spots a girl who looks like Jess wearing a Supergirl outfit. Ryan sneaks behind her.
"Boo!" 
"Shit! Ryan don't creep up on me like that! You scared the life out of me!" 
As Ryan recovers from his drunken laughter, he composes himself and shouts over the loud music, "Your admirer has been trying to look for you all night."
Jess looks at Ryan and gives him a big smile, "Oh yeah? So how come he sent you?"
Ryan grins and replies, "Cos... he's shy. He doesn't want to profess his love for you in front of all these people, not that you'll hear everything under this AWFUL music anyway"
Jess smiles again, "Well he better make it fast, I'm not sticking around forever."
Ryan laughs, "Wow, seems like you have been eagerly waiting for him."
"Yes I have Joker, it's the only reason why I came to this stupid party."
"Well Supergirl, me being the Joker, all evil and what not, I'm gonna make you wait a little bit longer. Go to the the upstairs bedroom in say half an hour and I'll make sure he is nice and ready for you."
Jess gives Ryan another big smile and whispers in Ryan's ears, "I can't wait."

30 MINUTES EARLIER...

Jess arrives at the door of the upstairs bedroom. She is slightly anxious about entering the room but she takes a final drink of her vodka and coke and knocks on the door. The music was too loud to hear a response so she just walks in. 
She enters to find James looking through a pile of CD's. The room was a lot quieter than outside, although you could still hear muffled music from outside and the floor was vibrating from the heavy bass downstairs.

James sees Jess walk in and his face filled is with happiness and joy. Jess' face on the other hand was slightly confused for a second and then she seem shocked at the realisation of something. There was a slight awkwardness in the room. Jess decided to speak first, "Erm.. You're Ryan's housemate James right?"
"Yes," James replies.
"You're my... admirer?"
James blushes and shyly replies, "I guess so"
"Wow, this is slightly awkward and embarassing, I thought Ryan was... my admirer."
James slightly confused now replies, "But I thought he told you it was me."
"Erm... No he only mentioned an admirer and since I have had the biggest crush on him since forever, I thought it was going to be him... I'm sorry, I should go."
"No, please stay. I know you don't know me very well but I have fallen in love with you ever since I first laid my eyes on you."
"I'm sorry, it's just... I like Ryan and I... I can't explain. I'm just gonna go"
James begins to get angry, "I don't understand, Why do you like Ryan? Why do all the girls like him? He's an asshole, he's in a different relationship every other week. I'm the one who loves you not him, why can't you give me a chance? I thought you different from the other girls!" 
Jess was starting to get scared now, "I'm sorry.." she mutters, she can feel the tension building up now and she attempts to leave the room, but James rushes towards her and grabs her.

15 MINUTES EARLIER...

Ryan is talking to some blonde girl by the kitchen downstairs. All of a sudden the music stops, he looks over to the living room. Two police officers is standing by the stereo.
"Alright, party's over. This is what you get for being so damn loud!"
The police officers begins to lead the people outside. 
Ryan looks back towards the blonde girl, only to find her throwing up by the sink. He swiftly exits the room. 

He decides to go find his housemate to tell him that the party is over. He goes upstairs and knocks on the door. 
He places his ear on the door to hear whats going on. "HELP!"
He rushes in to find that James was on top of Jess with both his hands holding her wrists against the floor.
Ryan pulls James off of Jess and punches him in the face.
Jess with tears streaming down her cheeks starts scrambling to get up and runs out of the room as if her life had depended on it.

NOW...

Ryan pushes James onto the ground.

"What the fuck do you think your doing?!"
"It's only a.... joke, I wasn't going to do anything, honest."
"Dude, you have gone too far!"
"She's fine and I didn't do anything to her! Why you being so serious?"
"You have scared the living shit out of her!"
"Look I'm sorry, lets just forget about this and go home okay?"
"Go to hell!"

Ryan leaves James on the floor as he starts to chase after Jess. He exits the house to find that the police officers and almost everybody else has gone. He spots Jess walking swiftly away at the end of the street. He runs and catches up to her.

"Jess, wait up." She ignores him and begins to walk faster. He then puts his hand on her shoulder and she flinches, but then looks up and realises it was Ryan and she hugs him and starts crying out loud. 

Ryan holds her tightly and says "I'm sorry"

Meeting Death

I remember meeting her before. It's quite funny actually, she stood out like a sore thumb yet no one really paid much attention to her, I suppose people get too preoccupied at times to notice the people around them. I know that I have, many times. Meeting her was definitely a defining moment in my life, I guess not many people can say that.

The first time I met her was at my grandmother's funeral, I wasn't even a teenager back then. I could barely understand death, let alone accept it. I loved my grandmother, she had been taking care of me since I was a baby. I was her first grandchild, she was very caring but very strict as well. She used to be the 'Bad Cop' to my grandfather's 'Good Cop'. It's only now that I see how "good" she really was. When we all found out she was sick, everyone was worried. I was speechless when I saw her in the hospital just laying there. She was so thin that I couldn't recognise her at first. I felt powerless.

I always had it in my head that she was always going to get better, there was no sickness that could ever take her away from us. Especially not this thing called 'Cancer'.

I was wrong.

The day she died was probably the saddest day of my life. It was quite surreal when I heard the news because I felt numb, I didn't know what to think or what to feel, the only thing I could feel was shock. Life just seemed permanently grey and ever so dull. Nothing looked good, food didn't taste the same and I began to feel really guilty because I remembered the petty little arguments I used to have with her. I couldn't remember the last conversation I had with her that didn't end in a fight. All I could do was replay every argument I could remember in my mind. Not one happy moment was ever brought up. The depressing thing is the fact I never said "sorry" to her and I won't have the chance to do so anymore, that sort of guilt was maybe all too much for an 11-year old to take.

At her funeral, our parents decided it was best not to let the children see her body. I somehow felt relieved at the time because I didn't want my last memory of her to be lifeless. Looking back now I wish I did because my last memory was just as bad. I needed to escape from all the sadness and sorrow. I found myself wandering outside the funeral parlour. It was a hot summer's day and there was not a cloud in sight, not the type of weather you would imagine at a funeral. I sat down at a bench nearby and as I was sitting there, all I could do was feel guilt and regret. Coming out of the funeral parlour was a girl, she was probably in her mid-twenties but all I really knew back then was that she was a grown up. She was holding up a black umbrella. She had a peculiar appearance, her skin was very pale, she had a weird pattern under her right eye drawn on with eyeliner and she had jet black hair with a slightly wild hairstyle. She wore a short black dress, long black boots, a very noticeable silver ankh around her neck. She looked at me and she gave me a soft smile. I ignored her smile and just started staring at the floor. She began walking towards me and she asked if she could sit on the bench. I shrugged and she smiled softly again sat down next to me. She closed her umbrella, slowly stretched her arms up in the air and raised her face towards the sky as if she was a flower turning towards the sunlight and absorbing its warmth.

"So... what's your name?" she asks, but I completely ignore her question and carried on staring at the floor. There was a somewhat awkward silence.

"You miss her don't you?" she asks in a very sympathetic tone.

I nodded and this time I responded, "Why couldn't I have been nicer to her when she was alive? I wish I could tell her that I am sorry. I never meant any of the nasty things I said to her."

She put her hand on my shoulder and I look towards her. She takes a long gaze into my eyes and then she gave me the same gentle smile again.

"You're a sweet boy, I am sure your grandmother knows how you feel and she loved you nonetheless. You should stop beating yourself up over it and just remember the good times you have had. If you just remember the bad times, then eventually that’s all you will remember of your grandmother and I am sure you don't want that to happen."

After she said this, she slowly got up and took another stretch towards the sun before she walked back into the funeral parlour. I closed my eyes and faced up towards the sun and absorbed the warmth and at that moment I had a flashback of the time I hurt my elbow when I was younger. I couldn't stop crying and sulking at the time and my grandmother spent hours trying to make me smile. She eventually cheered me up by giving me a big bowl of ice cream. I opened my eyes and for the first time in a long while, everything seemed a little brighter and slightly more colourful.

The second time I met this girl, it was during my 'I HATE everything phase' also known as my mid-teenage years. It was the end of summer and my family was hosting a big barbecue around our house. I don't remember what set me off but I remember feeling deeply upset and angry and blamed my parents for it. They were easy targets in my eyes because everything I did was never good enough for them or it felt like that anyway. I stormed into my room, slammed the door and I locked it.

I sat on the window sill overlooking the party outside. I was still angry and I began thinking about running away and never seeing anyone ever again. I even contemplated about jumping out of the window, thinking how guilty would my parent's feel if I jumped out and died, how not anyone would really miss me if I died. During that thought process, there was a knock at the door.

"Hello? Can I come in?"

It was a female voice that I didn't recognise but it felt really familiar. I was curious to see who it was so I opened the door and there she was, not even looking a day older than when I first saw her. This time she had a pair of sunglasses holding up her hair and she was wearing a black vest, a pair of tight black jeans and some little black boots. The ankh she had around he neck was notably smaller and less shiny than I remembered from our first encounter.

I was confused and slightly scared but she gave me that very sweet smile of her's and I began to relax.

"It's been a while. How have you been keeping?" she asks.

I shrugged and just mumbled, "Okay." I had a bunch of questions I wanted to ask her but I guess I was still too pissed off at my parents and I wasn't really in a talkative mood.

"So, why aren't you outside enjoying the party? Everyone else is."

I shrugged again and replied, "I dunno." I went to sit by the window sill again and looked outside, trying to do my thing and shut off everybody in the world.

She began looking around my room, "You know... looking around your room, you really don't do much do you. No sports, no hobbies, no books, only a few CD's and not many photos of friends."

I looked at her and said sarcastically, "Great! Add that to my list of failures. All the reason to stop living I suppose."

She walked right up to me, looked me in the eyes and I realised, that one sentence deeply upset her, it took the beaming smile from her face and replaced it with a deadly seriousness and she sternly responded, "All the reason to carry on living! Why would you end your life when you have not even started living it! All the great people I know started off being failures and had much harder lives than yours. Failure makes you stronger. Failure makes you learn. It's better to learn now than later, when it hurts more."

Her strong reaction surprised me. I was speechless, I wanted to say something back but everything I could to say just sounded like an excuse. She had pushed all the right buttons and I felt slightly ashamed. I took a good look around my room and like she pointed out before it looked rather plain. Her words had a huge impact on me and I started to think more about life and what living life is all about.

"I'm sorry" I said to her, "Maybe we should go back to the party now."

She gazed into my eyes, she gives me her sweet smile again and gives me a gentle kiss on the cheek and says, "You're a sweet boy. Remember that."

As I stepped out of my room, I turned towards her and I realised that she had vanished. It was a bizarre moment in my life but it definitely was a turning point in my life.

This is probably the last time I will see her. More than 50 years have passed since that day in my room. I didn't know for certain who or what she was but in my heart, I knew. I wasn't desperate to see her again but I did want to see her eventually. So here I am sitting next to her telling you, my first grandchild and what a wonder you are. I wish I had more time to see you grow up but I guess some wishes are just not meant to come true. You might not be able to understand me just yet but hopefully these words will stick around long enough for you to appreciate this fine young woman next to me.

She leans towards me and whispers the words that I didn't want to hear, but I knew were inevitable,

"It's time."

I look at her with a tear in my eye and I tell her with a deeply humble tone. "Thank you for letting me see my grandchild one last time."

She gives me her trademark smile and holds my hand, I guess all I have left to say is, "Goodbye."

Dear Emily

It's 4 am, Jon is lying awake on his bed in his one bedroom apartment. He can't sleep, a lot has been going through his mind because today is going to be a bad day, a sad day. He has been rolling around his bed for hours trying to not think about it but to no use.He finally gives up and walks to the bathroom and washes his face. He sees a razor blade next to the sink and he looks up and takes a long look at his face in the mirror. His eyes are blood shot, he can't decide whether it is the lack of sleep that caused it or the tears he has been crying out for the last few hours. He walks to his work desk and gets a blank sheet of paper and picks up his beloved fountain pen and begins to write.

Dear Emily

I still can't believe you've left me. We've spent the last 3 years together, we've had a lot of good times and I guess a lot of bad too, but with no word or warning you just... leave.

I know I haven't been the best boyfriend in the world and I couldn't give you everything you wanted but I did give you everything I had. I thought that would have been enough.I guess I was mistaken.

I would do anything to see you, to hold you again. I have been a wreck the last few days. Sometimes I wander around this apartment hoping you would walk through that front door any minute now and every time I go into the bathroom I stare at the razor blade and I contemplate just ending this pain that you have placed within my heart but I guess I'm just too scared to do it.

I saw your parents yesterday, they blame me for you leaving all of us but I couldn't accept it. I can't accept the sheer weight of responsibility that they have placed upon me. If anything they have to accept some of the blame. I clearly know that you would have stayed with me if they had been supportive of us instead of the constant belittling and little acts of pettiness.

Who am I kidding? I should have seen the signs, I knew you were unhappy but I was too self involved, too stupid not to listen to your discontent. For that I apologise and I hope that one day you can forgive me.

I know you will never get to read this letter but by writing this with the pen you gave me for my birthday. I hope my thoughts can reach you, wherever you are. Just know this. No matter what happens in the future, I will never love anyone else as much as I have loved you.

From the bottom of my heart,

Jon

Today is a bad day, a sad day because today is the day of the funeral of Jon's girlfriend, Emily. She committed suicide a few days ago in the apartment which she had shared with Jon.